I am not entirely sure how to start off this post, mainly because my life has literally been turned upside down in the past few weeks. Some of you may know this, some of you may not but in a nutshell things were not right, and I decided to come home.
I know, you are probably thinking, that was way too soon, and she didn't give it a shot. And to that I don't have the answers. I can only tell you that I was not strong enough for that experience. I was a baby sent into a giant ocean. I was lonely, confused, depressed, and angry. Angry seems like a weird emotion, but I was. I am angry with myself for not recognizing that I had serious doubts about going before I actually went. I wanted to believe so strongly in the cause and I wanted to believe that I was cut out for it, but I wasn't sure. I was terrified each day leading up to the experience but I ignored these feelings because I thought they were normal feelings.
I tried to do research on how people felt prior to going into Peace Corps, but I was faced with few honest accounts. For so long I told myself that is what I was going to do that I forgot about asking myself if it was really what I wanted. I was so obsessed with the idea that I ignored other opportunities. Everyone seemed super supportive of my plans, which only made matters worse because I felt like I would let everyone down if I didn't go.
You may be wondering if there was a straw that broke that camels back, and really there wasn't one instance that made me realize it wasn't right. I guess my home stay experience was when I realized that this was not summer camp, and this would be really tough. My host family was really amazing. They were really kind to me and supportive of my language learning. They loved each other so much and they took care of my every need. It wasn't that I didn't love them because they did everything for me, but it was me. I was too shell shocked to try and absorb a new language, new culture, new way of peeing and shitting, an new way of eating, and a new way of doing everything.
I feel spoiled for wishing that my room at my home stay had a window, and didn't have holes in the ceiling. I feel totally privileged and feel like a dick for wanting these things. But, then I tell myself that at least I know that I live a really lucky life. I acknowledge each day that I am one lucky MF and hope to give back in some other ways in the future.
So, where to now you may ask. Well, I have to re-evaluate my life. I have to do some heavy soul searching. This totally caught me off guard to be honest I am a bit immobilized. I feel embarrassed, and a bit ashamed that I couldn't hack it, that I couldn't get through Peace Corps. But, its not for everyone, and I'm proud that I can admit that to myself. My plan is to continue to strive to help people in a different, far less drastic way. I know that volunteering at a soup kitchen isn't exactly life changing, but it is a step... right?
I've learned a lot about myself in the past few months since I graduated. I am ready to admit now that I am not an adult. I am still immature in a lot of ways. I have some growing to do and some life questions to ponder. I am sorry to all those people in Africa who I would have helped. I am sorry to my host family because they deserve the best and I'm sorry I couldn't be that person. But mostly I am happy, I am happy that I can take a step back from this and realize that I need to listen to my gut before I up and move somewhere really far, and do something really drastic. Who knows, maybe PC will be in my future.
Thanks everyone for being there for me, and sorry that you had to go on this rollercoaster with me. I love you all, and I hope you continue to read my blog for other exciting things in my life.
All the best,
Emi
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